23rd President of the United States - Benjamin Harrison

Benjamin Harrison

23rd President of the United States

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Benjamin Harrison is the grandson of President William Henry Harrison who kicked the can 30 days into office from pneumonia. He was a lieutenant in the Union Army, and before becoming president, argued for the rights of Native Americans but said “fuck you!” to Chinese immigrants. He signed the Sherman Antitrust Act, a law that prevented large companies from buying all the competition only to raise prices unfairly, something that would piss Alan Greenspan and Ayn Rand off. When he ran for reelection, his wife ignored social distancing policies and died of TB. He had a dog named Dash who he refused to play with because he was a pussy and feared his colleagues would think him less of a man. Following in his grandfather’s footsteps, Harrison died of pneumonia.